It's all in the name.

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,"I want to be a movie star."Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the `Right' credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.""I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'mtelling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting tobecome an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You toldme I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought long and hard about what you had said. I decided you were quite right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed up with another agent. There is no doubt that I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.



Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke


Whitesnakes do it better ............. Pass the Tui's

Wooden Leg

A man and his wife, moved back home to Wellington, from Sydney.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Sydney was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Wellington, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Wellington to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Sydney!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it is $39.00.*


Whitesnakes do it better ...why wooden they?

get hold of your feelings,
take hold of your pain,
same way, same mistakes,
won't be happening again.
testing the waters,
of what went on before,
reliving the moments,
life's open door.
heart ache and sorrow,
follow the heart,
worry and trouble,
tear it apart.
hide in my shadow,
i 'll sink in your skin,
the happiness beckons
like a rainbow rising.
look to tomorrow,
as a new day it breaks,
smile at the rain clouds,
whatever it takes.
rock and roll me,
words from the wise,
tonight no soul is grieveing,
wonder if you realise.
take hold of my hand,
no, don't ask me why,
your silent words,
they just make me cry.
hunger and thirst,
is it really a sin,
what of the feelings?
burning within.
i look every where,
seeking a friend,
no one does it better,
than you in the end.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Carry on Keithy!

"The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love,
But nothing spoils ya day,
When the skies open from above!



Whitesnakes do it ........................better when ya so quick.

It's a disease! Spoonrythmitus

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards..
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Mant thanks to Ronnie Barker and Andrea for bringing this to my attention.

Whitesnakes do i better................. LMAO!

Carry on with a Curry

Now toilet sitting , you contemplated,
The half eaten curry, you under rated,
you would have understood me,
Had you waited!

Footnote...........Vindaloo translated ............In da loo

Whitesnakes do it better....... with a wipe of the bum!

Song lyrics

things have changed or so you say,
call and chastise me,
for what’s been laid to rest,
no good love will come your way,
a fools gold partnership,
nonsensical at it’s best.

writer’s words don’t shine,
sadness and sorrow highlighted,
missed opportunities all gone astray,
prim and proper though you look,
a fool full of emotions,
a rainbow stands to seek out the day.

stop, look, learn and listen,
walk on over to the bright side,
solace don’t fill the house of one,
there is no daughter of the devil,
loving and a caring woman,
ain’t did until it’s done!

Steve Boddey June 2009

Carry on Crying

you're loved and cared for,
yet now intoxicated,
your life a mess,
brain vegetated,
anger and tears,
my words you've slated,
our worlds entwined,
our lives are fated
you would have understood me,
had you waited;

Steve Boddey june 2009

Pictures within

hear me friends, you are my heroes,
you are the pictures within,
you are my paradise, children of the future,
you are the life, some have never known,
lovers bleeding, memories so hazy,
dreams that drive you crazy,
hear me now, as I sing your praises,
you are my sisters and my brothers,
you are my rainbow eyes, as dragons I have slain,
you are my sunset and my dawn, after rain.
here at home, when I’m crying.
you bring comfort in the gray,
hear me now, hear my pain,
love met by moonlight and then the dawn.
here be home, the thoughts of wonder,
there is no lose nor win,
you are the pictures with in.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Absurd!

Whitesnakes do it better ......Damn Right!

Carry on to the Bog!

A lantern light from deeper in the barn
Shone on a man and woman in the door
They were both partly clad
And laying on the floor
The moans and groans were growing loud
They seemed to have lost all senses
NO! they're not doing anthing wrong
She has lost her contact lenses.

Steve Boddey June 2009

I don't know why, anymore

You say my words are outta line
You say my thinking is on your mind
They’re my thoughts honey
Say I got an evil smile
Rock the roll for an extra mile
Yes my world is sunny
Yet I don’t know why’

You say I have a funny face
What you’ve done is no disgrace
But you’re no go getter
You say things have changed
It’s just your world been rearranged
To suit you better
Yet I don’t know why
Anymore!

Steve Boddey Junne 2009

Friday Funny

A Game of Golf
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
One transferred to another city.

It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.
She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other.

Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.
Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.

They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college,
I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical..

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,

"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."



Whitesnakes do it better.....Where is this woman?

The Old Man

Sounds of thunder cracked the sky as the old man walked across the land he had always trodden on.
Light rain spat at him as if in torment.
Sometimes it would pelt down.
Sometimes it would be those dart like drops that would hit his skin and remind him of his miserable past.
His pace did not quicken nor did it slow.
The place he called home was not far.

He could hear his own grunts and moans as he made his way across the grasslands. The local fauna looked on. He paid them no mind.

When the rain became heavy his face lit up.
When it eased the winds chilled his bones.
The wind chastised him.
Splattering dust, mud, even bits of the grassy land at him.

He paid them no attention.

Every once in a while his foot would hit a mud pool and he would pause to remove it.
A lightening strike would light the sky as if Mother Nature had triumphed.
He remained focussed on his objective.
He showed no emotions as to what was going on around him.

He could hear all the sounds as Mother Nature started to become frustrated with his total disregard for her intentions.
More lightening illuminating the sky and the thunder almost deafening in its efforts to have no other sound heard. The rain pelted down.
The old man carried on.
His home not far.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Pain

You have to have dreams
You left a stain
Yet I’m stronger than you know
Look at me now
You keep your distance from me
I watch as your life becomes tragic
Longing to step in and help
Yet you won’t let me
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart.

Up and down confusion
Melting the heart of your soul
Standing here all alone
They all said there was magic
Nothing came to ease the pain
At sunset the heart breaks
Memories infest the simple mind
Life seems such a mess
Left to let things burn
Makes life feel uneasy.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Chances

thought she was a dancer
a mystical kind of prancer
the apple of her daddy’s eye
spinning rainbows out of sunsets
a sorceress casting her nets
never gives a reason why
her deeds they seem so caring
underneath those clothes she’s wearing
the truth is you’ll be always shun
turn her back and fade away
come back to you on a different day
the point of no return

the deed is done

Steve Boddey June 2009

Wednesday funny

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
“Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it,
even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten
degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it
about twenty degrees, no problem!
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So,” says the second drunk, “what's your point?”
“Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get?”

Whitesnakes do it better...errr welll not like this!

Monday funny

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

Whitesnakes do it better .......... YEP!

Soul mates written word.

I have written two pieces on soul mates trying ta express my thoughts.

In a poem or a story I don’t think it is possible ta convey my true beliefs.
So I try here to air my views.

A soulmate isn’t necessary some you love or will spend the rest of your life with.
The notion of eternal bliss is a nonsensical thought. Although I don’t think it is a bad thing. Anything that is positive has to have some merit.
A soulmate ta me is someone ya can love and be loved by in so many ways, physically, mentally or spiritually.

If ya lucky enough ta have a partner who is ya soulmate ya both work towards the perfect relationship and ya don’t have ta ask.
Cool aye?

When ya hurting it is someone that you can fall into their arms and know that for all ya faults and tears you are safe and can be yaself without fear of any kind of retribution. Someone who shares ya happiness when things are great. Someone who understands ya thought process. You don’t have to continually explain ya actions ya thoughts or what ya say.
They just know and are there with open arms.
It is also a reciprocal thing.
You always feel safe, content and at peace with the world.

As I have taken the time ta read through those that have posted I have found a little bit of each of you sums up my view on what soul mates are all about.

They say time heals the pain ……….. No it doesn’t it just helps ya ta accept whatever has happened.

Too easily we give in to negative thoughts and give them space ta breed.
A soulmate is some one who takes away all those thoughts even if it is just for a short time.
A soulmate is a positive part of the universe.

They ain’t afraid ta tell you the truth cos they too have no fear of retribution.
They flow through your life.
They sometimes even seem like an echo of your past as they speak to you of things that mirror you own life.
They never let you dwell in a silent well of sorrow.
They are always searching for positive things to bring you the brink of ecstasy because they then become fulfilled.
When they move on our sadness is the loss of losing someone who actually understood use so completely.

The sadder part is sadly soulmates sometimes have to actually remain, perfect strangers ..

Steve Boddey June 2009

Treasure ya soulmate

listen to the wind howling through the world,
underground tremors continue through one life,
lights out in the streets we roam,
there’s monsters whispering, trouble and strife.
contentment and solitude found in one persons company,
more than love that we all have come to know,
an angel, with a hand on the heart and soul.
stormy weather won’t stop the rivers flow.
as streams they trickle in the sunlight days,
take heed of what you have before you sold,
soul mate’s are a treasure,
a treasure, worth more than any gold.

Steve Boddey June 2009.

Soulmates

sweet smile in the morning,
embracing a perfect stranger,
start the fusion,
without fear of any danger.
wipe those tears when you cry,
listen when you have something to say,
understand you when you’re in doubt,
sometimes it works the other way.
loaded emotion, explosive situations,
tinsel snow town, togetherness,
love, hate, joyous confusion,
soul mates none the less.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Carry on Tuesday

The book was thick and black and covered with dust.
Its boards were bowed and creaking,
As I reached across to grab some paper,
I found bloody toilet leaking!

Steve Boddey June 2009

Who Knows Who?

one short kiss,
scented nights,
conversations drift and go,
lost in a dream all alone,
turn and stare,
see you there,
just another distant love,
waiting for no one at all.

tantalising visions,
giving strength to carry on,
baby steps of life,
makes one feel alright,
sitting alone in a room,
think you’re a knife not a spoon,
sweet temptation,
careful, she will burn.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Iron Butterfly - In a Gadda Da Vida 1999 live

Never thought I would hear this song again........

Ian Gillan - Fighting Man

Thanks Kev for the memories

A child in time

When someone asks ya to do something?
When they are on their death bed will you honour their wish?
Tell me your thoughts.
RIP Kevin
Whitesnakes do it better ………. Or do they?

Away with the fairies

I shall for the next few days be away working so I leave you good people with the following........

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!'More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'

Whitesnakes do it better ...all the time..........see ya in a few..........!

I remember

My head felt heavy and my knees buckled.
In slow motion I made my way to the ground below.
The shivers I felt were of arctic proportions.
The heat and sweat that followed were that of a desert sun.
I remember her wiping my brow with a cold towel.
I felt her soft touch comforting me.
I remember the silkiness of her body against mine as I shivered in and out of consciousness.
I sort comfort as she straddled me and rocked back and forth, soothing me and boiling her emotions.
I held her as the climax came and seemed to linger longer than I had ever felt before.
I remember her kisses, soft and passionate. Her embrace a rainbow of love.
I remember her sleeping as I dosed in and out from the fever that had taken over.
I remember waking.
Waking up alone.

Steve Boddey June 2009

Carry on Tuesday

There are sleeping dreams and waking dreams.
What seems is not always as it seems.
Seams the jeans are the means
So we leans, inbetweens
What it seems is the beans
Now we are all Queens.

Steve Boddey ...............June 2009