Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Whitesnakes do it better ....when ya giggle and laugh!